Monday, December 26, 2011

Waiting Game!

As a kid growing up, for a large part I used public transport to travel back and forth. Had a lot of other kids for company, made a lot of friends, used to be a riot ride every day; but there was one problem – the wait. Sadly, the proverbial “no bus for hours, then two in a row” isn’t something that just London can boast of – surely my laid back, then-home-of-the-nawabs-and-now-mine can stake as much claim to it. Anyways, so the point was that often I ended up waiting at the bus stop, for quarter of an hour, half hour, three quarters and sometimes longer – never ending! And there began my deep dislike for waiting for something and it continues to this day. There are things I enjoy less and some even lesser, but of most things ‘waiting’ has to be one of the least.

I thought of myself for most part an impulsive and impatient kid, and thought may be waiting wasn’t something that I was meant to – it wasn’t in my scheme of things. But then I realized that there were in fact some scenarios I did wait, I could wait. It was then I realized that it wasn’t the wait but uncertainty that bothered me. Every day after school, my wait could be anywhere between five minutes to well over an hour… I realized it was the underlying uncertainty that was the bane of my existence.

And as days went on, I realized that many times in my life, I bore uncertainty myself! I enjoyed a few unknown, surprises made me happy and challenging the unknown horizon wasn’t that bad after all. So I crossed out ‘waiting’ I crossed out ‘uncertainty’ and I was staring back at nothingness again! So why was it that I found it so difficult to wait for the bus?

The answer lay in a line that goes “every time I want to give up, I end up thinking about every moment I’ve held on for” … and then the fog clears up. Yes of course! I wait for five minutes… the moment I think of giving up, I realize I’m five minutes into it guess another five couldn’t be bad. Another five, another quarter, another half… every hour put into wait, it seemed to pull me further away from the desire to pull out of it. In case of a bus, I put a very small part of me into the wait, in case of other things much significant or all of me into it.

Some say that certain things are worth their weight in gold! And how easily it could be that some things are worth their wait in gold!! Sounds so similar, doesn’t it! But I’m not hoping, or was ever hoping to strike gold! The wait, is difficult because I don’t know how to, when to! It’s a struggle – logic suggesting that anytime is a good time – the longer the unsuccessful wait the greater the clamor to pull out, but then there is a heart that doesn’t quite know the same. It waits and waits and waits… hoping it doesn’t wilt or wither!

Like with love-making, you dont wanna pull out too soon - whats the fun; or too late - opps! And the fact that, if you keep thinking, you are less likely to enjoy it! And you can stop thinking only when you know its surely what you want to be doing!

I’m with my heart – because quite often I end up in a wait – sometimes by design, sometimes by accident… and that’s why I guess I don’t enjoy it as much! Its often a tussle, it is always a question that I don’t have answer to… its always a catch-22, always devil and the deep sea…

Always lonely and unsettling…

1 comment:

V. Archana said...

wow... i liked the last two paras of ur write.
True. if theres a time, its now.

supergood write. keep writing.
Happy new year 2012.

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